Gungor "You Have Me"

I've been listening to this album a lot lately. I enjoy the musicality of these guys, but more over the way they've ministered to my heart. This song reminds me no matter how poorly I perform, no matter how wavering my faith...He still has me! "And this is the will of Him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day" John 6:30-40. To the praise and glory of His Grace!

Weighty Matters

I have come a long way in "anxiety land" over homeschooling. But my journey isn't over yet. I thought I was farther along...until someone started asking my opinion about curriculum. I began owning that person's anxiety and insecurity of how to pick curriculum and do what's best for your child. I began to doubt myself (again).
     I had made these decisions in the spring...bringing the "Principal" along with me to the homeschooling conference to see some new options for our special learner, pick out some challenging things for our advanced but impatient learner, and to have someone else to blame if it all goes up in flames! So why did doubt and anxiety set in? Because I let it! I started to make it about me and not about Him! About my success, not whether He is glorified in the process.
      Why am I homeschooling my boys? It started out of need for the special learner to get one to one attention. That still has some heavy weight in why we are still at it. But in the process, the LORD has convinced me that the world doesn't decide who we are. He does. And now is the time to give them my full attention. The boys have been harassed in sports...being called racist things like "Jackie Chan" and "Yo Japanese". I can't stop the words that the world will fling at them. But I can give it everything I have to teach them who they are in Christ. I can teach them that in Christ they are more than conquerors and how to put on the full armour of God to stand against the enemy. I can teach them not to consider themselves more highly than they should, and not to repay evil...but to overcome evil with good. What a privilege and a weighty matter to equip your child to walk in the ways of God. Thankfully He promised to never leave me or forsake me. Thank you LORD!

It's in the Air

Today I smelled it. Felt it. Began my  lament of summer. It's on it's way out. I realize it can't last forever. But it brings some melancholy to my heart. I am a girl who loves the sun and all that comes with summer. There is a sense of freedom. Thoughts of adventure and fun to come. But with Fall...what's left? A return to routine. Perhaps some cool weather where we can run and play without being completely uncomfortable. But...you know it's on the way. The slumber of all green things and the hibernation, migration, and frustration of most living things. Where will it bring me this year? How will I remain hopeful and hope filled?
The butterfly is often a symbol of new life. Of hope. I have a tattoo related to 1Cor.5:17...If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation..the old has gone and the new has come.  But really the butterfly is the end of the life cycle. Metamorphosis complete. New, but then onto death.  My life cycle seems to be hitting that difficult middle age. Who I was doesn't really understand who I am now. I do see how God has "begun a good work in me and will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"Phil 1:6. I enjoy knowing that He is faithful and is making all things new. Despite impending Winter, we have hope! Hope that is past economic difficulties, bad weather, and uncertain futures. We can know! Jesus said, " And this is the will of the Him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that He has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day" John 6:39-40. So I'm looking to the Son instead of the sun. And I am believing His promises this evening. To the glory and praise of the Father. Amen!

Weathered and Weak

I'm not sure what's really happened to me over the years. I used to do some really bold things. These days I find myself less likely to jump off or jump in. Is it age? Wisdom ?(not likely) Or just fear?
Back in my visiting nurse days, I did some crazy, risky things in the name of caring for people. I've walked into some of the roughest neighborhoods to love some of the least of these our area can find. I've stepped over people sleeping on floors, looking for which one was my patient. I've been escorted to my car by a patient with a shotgun and no pants on! (long story) I've faced the roughest of weather, been disrespected and ignored, and bitten by dogs! And I loved it! Home Health care professionals are some of the hardiest people I know (right up there with cops, firefighters and military folks).

So what has happened to me? How is it that a couple of special kids from Korea can have me shaking in my boots? Worried about the future, feeling insufficient? I confessed to my husband that I often wonder why God didn't make me "nicer"...if He expects me to love and care for a special needs child. Why wouldn't God match up my special child with someone who is kinder, nicer, and more patient? My husband told me I was being "egotistical and idolatrous", focusing on what I can do,  instead of what God can do. Well now, there's an honest answer!  Isn't that why I married him? "That's it...people are gonna hear about this one," I said. " I've got 5 followers and they're gonna hear about this!"  I hate it when he is right. God's power is perfected in my weakness....therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

French Spaghetti and Angels

Mim makes French Spaghetti. No, there is not a recipe to follow. It's just for family, sick people, and possibly the occasional guest or grieving family. But  not for the general public. Sorry. Today she made it for the snaggle tooth. Something soft for Josiah to eat that wouldn't pull on that tooth.  While I was picking up our lovely dinner, Mim made commentary..."You must have a guardian angel around you at all times".  I think she was giving me a nod and a pity party all at the same time. Maybe just shootin the LORD some glory. I'm not sure. Spaghetti in van....we headed back to the "farm". We had some more school to do, laundry, and a whole bunch of tomatoes to "put up".

Confessions in Cleaning

I've been pretty excited about my list of accomplishments these days. I mean, canning pickles makes me feel almost "pioneer like". Did some tomatoes and salsa today.  Already froze beans and corn from our over zealous garden. All while doing a "summer schedule" of homeschooling, staying on top of my Bible reading plan, mothering the 4(some closely, some far away) and exercising 3-4 times per week.  I've been reading, going to the lake, and enjoying creation this summer as much as I can. I even made some jewelry. HA! Take that productivity!  But then I remembered...when was the last time I actually washed my kitchen floor? Arrrgggghhh. Really? We've certainly been busy. Some illnesses, some drama, some entertaining. Could I have really forgotten to wash my floor?

This is what the water looked like after completing 1/3 of the job. Staring at the repulsive bucket...I remembered something.  Oh Lord! I am  just like this kitchen floor! Walking in, you don't really notice it. You have to stay awhile and look more closely. The layers of dirt are there. Just being ignored. My times of self examination don't usually come while I'm "doing well". Usually just on days of "epic failure". Where I really understand just how dirty I am.  "Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 1:16

So why do we not practice this more? Surely we don't want to be judged. Labeled. Pitied? I have a small circle that know the dirty floor in me. How grateful I am to have girlfriends who boldly go to the throne of grace for me! And what would I do if He didn't always clean me up? "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will purify us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9. Thank you Jesus for making me clean. And yes, I confess to you all I did some bragging/behaved pridefully early in this post- But it was only to make my point;)

Ode to Grass(Jeff)

So last night I asked my husband...can I write you a nice "ode" for your birthday and put it on my blog?  The response, after a smirk, was..." wouldn't that just seal my public shame?"....shouldn't you just write some ode to grass or something? Really? Grass? Jonah, in a British lady's voice said,, "yes, it would be a lovely poem about how earthy smelling the grass is, as I put a lovely skirt on and dance around"..ha..ha..ha..Josiah then added..." what's an ode?". Argggghh. Heckling and disrespect. Fine. No romantic ode for you Mister. I went to bed, somewhat wounded. Around 3 am, I awoke to an irritated, slightly sarcastic nag in my dream state. An ode is generally a tribute to someone or something that is lyrical in nature, sometimes set to music. I could not get this out of my head...
There was a wiseguy from Manteno
Found himself suddenly single in Reno
Sitting day after day, sadly pining away
For the wife of his youth gone astray.
"If I'd only been kinder...I'd know where to find her"
His lament only spoke to the wind.

So the moral of this story is...I love my husband. Grateful for another year to be heckled for being a girl. So grateful for his protection, loving embraces, and the way he "washes me with the Word".  Happy Birthday Kool breeze. You're my favorite;)

Miracle Tooth

Silly title, not so silly subject. Seems  the snaggle tooth may be doomed.  My new expert says "he's only 11, anything can happen". Panic ensues instead of praise. Why did I automatically leap to worryangerguiltpanictearsconfusion? (it looked just like that!) Instead of hearing...anything can happen? Miracles do! And God loves to display His goodness in those good and perfect gifts. Why didn't I praise God that my new expert is going to talk to his team of experts and form a plan to walk us through the next 7 or 8 yrs of corrective surgery and orthodontia? I'm so grateful that I eventually got there! I can see today what I could not see yesterday. And if I wasn't so stinkin forgetful, I'd remember His faithfulness continuously. Could you all be faithful with me in praying for wisdom, healing, and the miracle tooth to make it?

In Pretty Deep

This social experiment has left me in over my head. I spend hours thinking ...perhaps panicking about what comes next. The "what-ifs" can be maddening at times. What if no one turns out "normal"??? What if at the end of it all, no one rises up and calls me blessed? What if one of them ends up being that sniper on top of some building?......What if God chooses to make me do it alone? I know it's sinful to be anxious, ungrateful and so forgetful of God's promises.
Today I'm praying I will really know, in my heart, with my mind, and all my being, that His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that power lives in me to work things out for my good and His glory.