Relieved

It took a few minutes.  I spent most of Friday afternoon just thinking about how evil ran rampant and took so many innocent lives.  The images of what happened in Connecticut made me heart sick. It wasn't until Saturday that the memories hit me.  My firstborn  sent me a text from work saying that she was worried about her sister because she was really depressed about the shootings.  Then I remembered.  Just a few short years ago a disgruntled grad student decided to exact murderous revenge on a professor and the surrounding students in the science department of NIU. I was a little surprised that it didn't hit me sooner.
     Just 8 or 9 weeks prior to the shooting, they had found death threats on a wall in the basement of my firstborn's dorm.  It was the week of finals. We were unsure if she should stay in the dorm, go to a hotel or come home.  Ultimately she stayed and completed her finals.  The threats were felt to just be graffiti and not grounded in any real threat to students. At that point I was so angry that people found it interesting to exact their power over other human beings by threatening violence. It was probably someone who wanted finals to be cancelled.  I heard fear in my child's voice like I never had before.  It was something different altogether.  And I hated it.   On the following Valentines Day,  the unthinkable became a reality.  I was at work in the Oncology Clinic...when "breaking news" interrupted the afternoon programming.  I watched as frenzied, wide eyed students were pouring out of a building at Northern.  Many were bloody. It was in the Science department.  It was about 3 in the afternoon.  People were being brought out on stretchers and students were crying hysterically.  The media was interviewing students describing how they had crawled out of the room where the shooter was, over the tops of the dead and wounded.  I remember grabbing my cell phone at the desk and repeatedly dialing my daughter's number for what seemed like an eternity.  The circuits were busy.  I could not even get through to my husband at the State Police District 21 Headquarters.  It was indeed the longest 10 minutes of my life.  I watched the TV, prayed and held my breath as I tried to find her.  She was a Biology major.  I had no idea whether she would be in that building or somewhere else.  I  felt suspended in the surreal wait to talk to her.  And what I was watching on TV seemed like something completely foreign...something that would be happening somewhere else in the world instead of on my firstborn's college campus.
             Relief came to me finally that February day in a phone call from husband. He said he talked to her and he was safe. She was helping out her friends who were freaking out and needed reassurance.  He said that she would call me as soon as she could.  I got in my car and started to get phone calls from people wanting to know if she was okay  A friend prayed me home over the phone as I drove down Kennedy Drive.
     Her account of the afternoon was this:  she was late for class in that science building.  Otherwise she would have been in the middle of the chaos of students being evacuated.  She was upset because they locked the campus down and no one knew where to go.  Library, gym and other large forums where locked.  Bus system shut down.  Students were running everywhere crying and not knowing what to do.  She was angry at the chaos and the fear and her emotionally broken friends.  The  campus procedures were there to keep the loss of life to a minimum by making it harder for a shooter to find a group of students, but for her she said they felt like sitting ducks. She came home that night and we all sat stunned at what had taken place.  And what had not.
     I thought I would never "get over it".  It felt wrong to have such a sense of relief,  when other people had gotten the other phone call.  The one that changes everything. The one that marks that moment in time when your world is never the same.   I can't imagine how the parents of the those little Connecticut children felt. Rushing to get to the school to get relief from the thought they may never hold their baby again. It was so horrific considering the helplessness of the little ones to save themselves.  The voices of grief and pain coming through the TV were so disturbing to my soul.
     We are all like those little children.  We have no ability to save ourselves.  We all need to be saved from our eventual, impending death. Only Jesus can do that. He is the One who offers the ultimate relief from pain and fear and death...  On that day..."He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away". Rev. 21:4   Someday our Good Shepherd will lead each one of His lambs home.  He laid down His life for the sheep. And they will never follow another because they know His voice. (John 10).  In times like these I spend my time studying His voice through His word. I need  to feel His comfort and get relief from the sorrow of it all.  I cannot imagine what it would be like not to know this voice; this great comfort in times like these.  It gives me urgency to share it and help heal the pain that this world has to offer.  I pray as you read this that you will seek to listen to His voice and find His sweet relief.
    
    
    

Going

Hello from the J Blair team! We have been praying for the Lord to show us how to live a more missional life. We believe the Lord has led us to go to the Dominican Republic ( with GO ministries) on a mission trip. We have had the privilege of serving locally, but have not had the opportunity to take God's word globally!  We are so excited to see what God does in and through us as we serve in the DR next February.
     Our small group recently studied "The Gospel Revolution" by J.D. Greear. He said the word "Gospel" originally did not have religious origins, but rather was used in military situations. A general or a king would send a message, the gospel, to the people of his kingdom to let them know the battle was over, the war had been won. An "evangelist" would take this message of good news to the people. This was the good news that they no longer had to be afraid...the war had been won. The Gospel of Jesus Christ gives us the good news that the war on sin and death has been won! And we have instructions by Jesus himself.... to go into all nations, making disciples and baptizing them, teaching them to obey everything He has commanded. A couple of things really stick out here...He requires we go...and for us to give the message.  So the Blairs are going! In February, we will be heading to the Dominican Republic to serve with GO ministries. We will be working in Hato Del Yaque in a feeding center, doing work projects, and more importantly...sharing the Gospel with children through a Vacation Bible school.  We are so excited to see what the Lord is going to teach us as we seek to love more of our neighbors with His good news.

     We are getting mosquito nets,  immunizations, and all the stuff  people need to survive a week in the DR.  As we began to prepare for the trip, we felt very compelled to bring "The Jesus Story Book Bible" in Spanish to as many kids as we are able.  The book tells the stories of the Bible with every one pointing directly to Christ and how He would come to rescue us from sin.  We are so excited to give these beautiful books of truth away! 
     God has been faithfully providing financially for our trip.We have to say THANK YOU to all who have given and prayed toward our mission. We have so many wonderful, faithful friends and family who are supporting us and we thank our Great God for giving us everyone of you. We are so excited to be " the beautiful feet that bring Good News!" Please pray that God will accomplish His good purpose in all of us as we seek to be faithful to Him and love His people!

Included

I went to a birthday party a few weeks ago for someone really wonderful. I love celebrating life with people who really get how precious it is.  I saw I friend that I haven't seen in a while. We had done the "one to one" discipleship program for a few months together, so I thought it was fair to ask..."What's Jesus been teaching you lately?"  It was met with down cast eyes and a tone of embarrassement. "Nothing. I haven't really been going to church or anything. What should I do, leave my husband on the golf course? It's our only time together alone."  I proceeded to talk about relationship and misssing out on the One true satisfying relationship anyone will ever have. (Besides offering up the evening service idea).  She grabbed my face and said..." You used to be so different! What happened to you?"  A few believing gals were listening and started to laugh. " Jesus happened to me". She hugged me and that was the end of it. The party went on and she was gone.  Later on I laughed with my husband. Isn't it good that someone from my wild past noticed what I've always prayed for?  Transformation. Less of me. More of Him. Passion for His name.  All that matters.

     A few weeks later I was on Facebook (surprise) and noticed a picture of some friends who had gone away on a weekend. I wasn't in the photo. I showed it to my hubbie. He knew immediately my hurt and started to encourage me. I felt excluded. Kind of mad. But then within a few minutes, the Spirit convicted me of my sinful response.  I knew why I wasn't there.  I had been neglecting those friends over the last few years as I sought to find people who understood what I was going through .  Adoption, , homeschool, and women's ministry had become my full time interest. I had been pursuing friends who had the same agenda as me.  And not caring for those old girlfriends. I had become a difficult strange friend.  I went to bed feeling sad about my response. I know I should have been excited for them and the time they had together. I felt like a loser.

     I usually wake up around 4 and try to decide if I really need to go to the bathroom.  This particular morning I woke up with a verse clearly in my head. (Don't worry...no audible voice, just God reminding me.) " You died Lori, and your life is now hidden in Christ with God".  Set your mind on things above where Christ is. I felt peace. I turned over and went back to sleep.

     I got up at the usual time ( I will not confess how late that is these days). I told my husband why I was writing out that verse in my note cards. You just have to share when God is gracious to give you a good word!  I love my old friends. I think they are some of the most generous, courageous and beautiful women I know.  Each one has overcome insurmountable challenges while relying on God's grace. And I hope they know that if any of them ever needed money or a kidney I would be all over it. But I know God keeps calling me out. Not to safety and comfort but to spending myself on Him with people who may never respond  the way I hope.  Sometimes to be rejected for the message. Sometimes to be excluded.  Sometimes to cry myself to sleep. 

     I am confident of this...He who began a good work in me will bring it to completion until the day of Christ. (Ph. 1:6)  And I know that I don't have to pout about not being included because my inclusion is now "in Christ" when I heard the word of Truth, the Gospel of my Salvation (Eph.1:3).  I am so grateful for this lesson.  I ask forgiveness from my friends if I have excluded them. And I want to remind them of what Christ has reminded me. He is faithful and you are never alone!    

Finding

Fall always seems a little melancholy for me. The end of the growing season. An end to the days seemingly filled with endless daylight and warmth. I confess I will miss the feeling of burnt skin. I know it's wrong. Just sayin' I do love it. In part it feels like a death or maybe just a very deep sleep of nature. I usually struggle with some depression during the very cold, dark winter months. The cold nights we've had are ushering in feelings of anxiety towards what happens to my emotional state every Winter. Maybe the other part is not feeling really alive. No grass between your toes. No tomatoes on the vine. No sound of loud boys outside discovering something really gross to play with or do "experiments" on. I won't be finding a large bumble bee or spider in my freezer anytime soon. Not being able to engage in Creation because it's frozen solid. It feels like abandonment....like being left very alone.
     I went to the True Woman 2012 conference with my Mim and my Jenna last week. What a great way to really share your soul with your girlies. We had many wrestling moments with God. Most of it happened outside the conference center. We enjoyed walking the streets of downtown Indy. We decided that it was safer to cross an intersection in Chicago...they just seem get pedestrians better! We sat in wonder of people. So many beautiful women in different shapes, sizes and skin tones. We laughed so hard when a man on the corner spoke to my mother saying..." Dang girl, you got your hair stacked up real good!"  I mean it rained hard and it was stacked up real good...how can you deny that compliment!  We felt our humanity and it's pain.We wept openly after meeting Billy on the corner with his head nearly in his lap. Sandwich in hand, not nearly sober enough to eat it. The light in his eyes told me he heard what I was saying about Victory in Jesus...but He seemed so alone. Forgotten and a little asleep... like a deep, dark, cold winter's night.
     I spent most of  searching the Word for a Word to encourage me. I prayed fervently for friends with cancer, ministries reaching out to people never hearing or understanding, and of course,  my family. God gave me Jeremiah 29:13....You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity. Maybe that's what my "winter feeling" is about. The veil of grey sets in and we have to look harder. With our whole hearts. Finding God in our seasons of deadness....it's just harder. It requires more effort. He promised He would help us, and free us from captivity. Captivity of sin and selfishness and utter inability to help ourselves. Never leaving. Never forsaking. Until the very end of the Age.When all seems like it's fading...turn towards the Light. He promised He would be found by us. And I believe Him. Even when my hands and feet are really cold.

Not Pleasant

We've been cracking the whip around here...the ever unpopular discipline required to achieve the hard things we all need is back! The battle lines have been drawn, plans made and the teams have been chosen. Each family member has been given their duties.  And there is so much whining and complaining going on it's deafening!
     "No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it". Heb.12:11  I've been saying this verse repeatedly to myself.  We are going to make it! We can home school. They will behave! They will grow up to love Jesus! I will get up earlier! I will stop crying so much! I will lose weight and keep my house clean and have a good attitude and pour out love on all those around me!
     After 3 weeks of full schedule school, the complaints are lessening. I've stopped going out to the garage to cry. My husband has almost stopped threatening to send them to public school. I've lost 14 lbs but my house is still pretty dirty. We still battle about minor things throughout the day, but it seems as if we are all settling into the inevitable hard work.
     I'm waiting to see it. The "harvest of righteousness and peace".  I want to see Christ's beautiful righteousness and peace abiding in my home. The problem I encounter is the constant doubt. Am I really being trained by this discipline? Are my kids getting the discipline that produces righteous living and peace that passes understanding?
     Just like a dieter's plateau....we seem to get to this same place and then...fall back.  We get tired of the hard work and the progress seems to fade.  I'm right back in the garage crying, wondering if God really called me to this, or was it just my great idea?
     I read on in Hebrews, "Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and week knees. Make level paths for your feet, so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed.  Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.  See that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many" (12-15) This discipline of making level paths, living in peace, being holy or set apart...it's so hard!  I can't imagine this work with out my husband's faithfulness to teach my boys God's word.  We are constantly wrestling with the level of difficulty in raising these boys.  We pray that they may not grow up bitter and angry with God for placing them here with us....into a life that strives to be counter culture and faithful to the One and Only living God.  And you all know I have weak arms!
     I know all of the training and discipline means absolutely nothing if it's under my own strength. If I have not been abiding and resting in His strength I will not produce a fruit of righteousness...just my own weak armed feeble kneed fruit! So I pray today for my household and my friends that we remain in Him. Abide in Jesus. " If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given to you. This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples" Jn 15:7-8.  Lord, help me bear much fruit and show my self to be your disciple! Amen.

    

God at Work





     My sister walked away essentially unharmed from this accident
 She was traveling home from work and some lady decided to pull into my sister's lane to park along the road going the opposite direction of traffic. Somehow due to the sun and some distractions, she didn't notice my sister traveling about 40mph in the lane where she intended to park! My sister's Jetta did very well in the crash. Thank God for airbags and seat belts...my sister walked away from the crash with some significant bruising but otherwise in great shape! The other person did not...she probably did not have her seat belt on since she hit the wind shield. (We are still unsure of how she's doing).
     I don't understand why some people get to walk away from these things and others do not. I'll never really understand the seemingly randomness of accidents and tragedies. I have made a lot of statements over the years that  have been able to demonstrate my trust in God's Sovereign plan....but I do not posess any real grasp on what God is doing in the lives of the grieving. Or the greatly relieved for that matter.  I just know His heart is full of love for us.  I know He desires each of us to turn to Him for real love. For a love that doesn't change just because it's gotten tired or bored or fatter or wrinkly or less financially able to meet our needs. " Because your steadfast love is better than life,  my lips will praise you!" Ps. 63:3                                        
     A week after my sister's crash, she visited Illinois to pick up my mother on their way to Paris ( yes the real Paris and yes, how great is that!) She sat with me in church as we listened to a testimony 2 women gave about how an accident and forgiveness had brought them together. One older women had actually hit and killed the son of the other woman when he had stopped suddenly in front of her on his motorcycle. She had looked down for a moment and looked up a moment to late. When asked how the grieving mother had been able to forgive this other woman so quickly she said..." It never occurred to me not to forgive. I remembered how much I have been forgiven in Christ. And I just did it".  My sister and I walked out of the church teary eyed and smiling.  My sister said " Isn't it nice that God sent those 2 ladies all the way from NC to remind me to forgive that lady that hit me? And how great it is that I get a chance to forgive her?"
     Once again I am filled with awe being fully reminded that God is always at work. Doing a million things. In so many of His people. And sometimes He pulls back a little portion of the curtain and let's me see it! To the praise of His glorious Grace...Amen!

Feeling Fruity

I've never seen my garden look so pathetic. Weeks of dry, scorching heat and high winds have really beaten up all the plants. I have been feeling very disheartened...I have always been able to grow tomatoes and green beans without really trying. And the pickling cucumbers look seriously near death.  What if my garden produces no "fruit" this year? Last year I had a tomato factory in my kitchen...blessed by so many I could hardly keep up! What if I don't get enough to complain about this year?!
    I have also been worried about another garden. The one inside my house. It seems as if we are under attack by all sorts of events and attitudes. Children yelling at parents. Parents yelling at children. Everyone laying their heads down at night feeling frustrated and exhausted from the battle. Producing fruit in this garden will always be more important than what happens in my yard. It seems like this crop is struggling...

" I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine dresser. Every branch of mine that does not bear fruit He takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit He prunes, so that it may bear more fruit" Jn 15:1-2. I am not sure if we are being pruned right now, but it feels like it! I know we are branches that have produced good fruit in the past...I look at my daughters and I see their roots dug deep in the soil of Christ. They have begun their own pruning under the hand of the Vine Dresser...it's hard to watch and wait but I know the harvest is going to be great for them and the people they love and care for.
      " I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing" (vs 5) "If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. By this my Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit and prove to be my disciples (vs7-8) Jesus goes on to talk about abiding in His love means following his commands...that His joy may be in us and our joy may be full! And to that end, God will be glorified!
     What exactly does pruning look like ?  I believe pruning looks a lot like being humbled at the hands of God. The tearing down of our pride and our beliefs that somehow we had something spectacular to offer Him. It's good to pruned by a merciful and forgiving God who will not go so far that He kills the plant! What kind of fruit am I hoping not to produce here?  It's a lot like tomatoes you get out of season...they might be red and shiny...but they smell and taste like fakes! I don't want kids that go to youth group and church. Ones that are polite and stay out of trouble. That's not enough. I want kids that burn with passion for the love of Christ. Ones that understand what Jesus meant when He said...Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command .(15:13-14). I want fruit that lasts! I know it can only happen if I abide in His word and wait for His gentle hands to trim me up (figuratively and literally would be fine by me).  Lord teach me to abide and to sit still while you prune me. Amen.

Full of Grace

 I remember the day I met my friend. She was making her way up to the front of the church. Beautiful woman with a sweet, shaky voice giving her  testimony of how the Lord had been working in her heart at the Life Action Summit.  It was close to a year ago that my friend testified how God had presented another little Chinese girl to her family as a possible adoption.  She was already a mother of 4, two of which had been adopted from China with special needs caused by arthrogryposis. This time, the little girl up for adoption had an undefined heart condition. My friend thought she would bring her photo to the summit to ask people to pray that the Lord would find a family for her. And right there, in the middle of revival, she and her husband felt pressed by God to be that family! After her testimony I went to the prayer room to pray with her.  I could not think of anything but....wow...that is a BOLD LOVE.  Who would do such a thing? Who could adopt a child that might not live past the flight home from China? What if they gave their whole hearts and lives...and she didn't make it?  So many things came to my mind as we began our friendship that night...mostly I thought... I could not do that. I could not risk falling in love with a child that might not live. Nope. I could not do that!

A year later, it's so much easier to see God working and how He knit this baby together for this very purpose...that His glory might be displayed through faithful parents, sweet little sisters, and a bunch of Dr.'s scratching their heads in amazement of how this strong little woman has survived. Can any of us really doubt God is Sovereign when we see how graceful little girls fall in love with each other that never met?  Can't we all see how good He is to put this baby with her perfectly made sisters?  I was awestruck by her chubby little fingers as I washed them the other  night. What the world might see as an impossible hope and crazy love became a neon sign for God's grace in my hands as we washed and I repeated " wash, wash, wash".....she watched my mouth and mimicked the sound. My heart was undone. Thanks to my friend, she made me do the thing I could not do, fall in love with such a risky little stinker!

      I often wonder why God asks such big things of us?  Why does He give us seemingly impossible situations and people and drama we could never have sought out on our own? Why does He push us beyond what we can bear? I look at the faces of the children God has given me to love.  What kind of God puts these kids with the likes of me? Can't He see the difficulties posed by such a match up? Doesn't He get the drama and the hot mix of Asians vs. Caucasian Momma?

Wait for it...

I've been stumbling over this message. I started it a month ago. The title seemed to reflect my feelings at the moment. I sat to type...and the Lord said...wait for it! So weeks later I sat once again to type....and the Lord said ....wait for it!  Why is the Lord making me wait? What's the message I'm supposed to be getting here?
     Last Sunday my Pastor was talking about Acts 1 and 2...Jesus had instructed the disciples to stay in Jeruselam and wait for the Holy Spirit to come. They would receive great power and be His witnesses to the ends of the Earth. What were they doing while they waited? They had just been through the most difficult and  rewarding events in all of history. Crucifixion and Resurrection. Jesus returning from Death and ascending into Heaven..  Receiving a Promise of great power from the Holy Spirit. What did they do first? First they obeyed Jesus. They went back to Jerusalem to wait on the Gift. They got together with the ministry team, devoting themselves to prayer. Then they attended to ministry business..replacing Judas with Matthias.  As I read Acts 1, I couldn't help but think of how many times I have found myself waiting for things...situations to change....seasons of life to end or begin. Waiting for people to be healed, marriages to be restored, soldiers to come home safely....people to come into Truth and know Jesus as Lord and Savior.  What have I done while I have been waiting for God to act? I have done some of the things the disciples did while they waited. But mostly not. I'm prone to sit and be anxious...offering up prayers that are weak and faithless. What would it look like if we called our team and devoted ourselves to prayer? How bold and energetic would those prayers be when faithful followers of Christ decide to get together, get on their knees, and devote themselves to prayer while we wait on a fresh filling of the Holy Spirit for powerful living?  Why don't we decide to pull together a posse of prayer warriors and get on our knees together? Because it would require each of us to be honest and real about the pain and the hurt and the worries of our lives. We would have to humble ourselves....  Get over our public image.  Waiting is Biblical....idle anxious living is not. Anyone up for constructive waiting with me?

Living Worship

I noticed something about myself recently. Something that grieves me. My worship has been a little lifeless lately.  Ok, maybe even dead at times.
     Most Sunday mornings I drag myself into the pew...feeling like I've been run over by my morning.  Giant mugs of coffee cannot overcome my exhaustion just trying to get the kids out the door. Arguing about combing hair and putting on a good shirt. Bickering over who did what to whom....it deadens me. Sucks the Jesus Juice right out of my veins.  And as the worship band starts up, I feel myself tightly holding it all in. I search for words in the songs and hymns that will stir my heart.  It's like trying to pry something contraband out of a small child's hand.  Holding on to the anxiety, strife and struggles.  I'm aware of my resistance. The barren places inside, the dark chasms of my unattractive soul...they want to stay in the darkness. To camp out in the angst instead of baring them and walking out into love, into His marvelous light. Who wants to stay there? Why would some one who has "tasted the Lord" and seen that He is good....ever want to hang out in that horrible black hole?
     I've been meditating on worship, trying to see what God would have me do in this dry, circling desert I've led myself into, again.  He says...Therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. (Rm 12:1). The whole body. Not just my head or my heart, but the whole kit and caboodle. And in His mercy, He sent me messages through some lovely people this past week to remind me how. ...  A long time friend reminded me how grateful she was that I didn't stop pursuing her with God's love....  A little girl with limited use of her arms and hands showed me how to use all one's strength to worship and make a joyful noise to the Lord despite great physical disability....  An old man's laugh warmed my heart as he watched children sing with unashamed joy for the Lord.....  Believers, young and old coming together to discover what God has to teach them in His word and pray together brought meaning to a lull in the week ... Seeing God work in my family as I never have before pierced my heart with gratitude.
     I often wonder how many other worshipers are out there on Sunday...tightly clenching, not letting God into the broken places? Ask Him to shine His light into those dark places. He'll show off His love for you. His sense of humor. His truth. His faithfulness....that He is a God that you can trust with all of you, even the broken spots.     
    
  

What I Need



Chillie didn't know she needed a blanket for her nap. Some small person decided she would look better or maybe feel warmer with a snowflake towel. She really did not seem to mind the gesture...but that perky ear was a sure sign she was not unaware that someone had been messing with her.

The blanket on the head, however, was a little more difficult to take. It amused the daylights out of the small people. Chillie...not so much. A few months ago this dog would not have let this happen! Months of patiently loving, training, and disciplining our wild dog has paid off.  But she is a work in progress, just like me. She can't really see what she needs, and most of the time doesn't really want it when she gets it!

Guitars and Whoopee Cushions

From under my sheets, I could hear the laughter down the hall. Plunky guitars and fart noises. I wondered if those sounds would define my day. On the outside of my little refuge someone is always laughing or fighting.Who buys a whoopee cushion these days anyway? (Fun Aunts and Uncles, that's who!) For 2 days the fart sounds and trickery had gone on and on, until the inevitable happened.  An over-zealous prankster filled it too full. It happens that way.  Especially when things have to get bigger and louder to be more entertaining. When you're looking for that next high...sometimes you forget to stop and evaluate. The last fart that whoopee cushion made was a good one. We all looked at it. Busted out in the center. "Can you fix it...you know...like with duct tape or something?" they said.  "No, probably not. But it was good while it lasted, wasn't it?" Everyone sighed and got back to the business of life.  I couldn't  help thinking how I felt the same way they did..but not about the whoopee cushion.  My mind traveled back to Christmas and the scattered season of celebration this year. I had buckled under the intensity of it...when you have a month of family visits...it's like..party party party while they're here ...and then...BOOM....ssssttt....nothing. Game Over. It was good while it lasted, but the now lonely grey days of January are chasing me down. I know the only thing that lasts forever is God's love and mercy towards me. I try to hang on to the things that will never spoil, rust or fade...held up in heaven for me. But I struggle.  Busted play things. Husbands worn down by the world. Daughters on the wrong side of the country. Reductions in services for my special son. Another person added to my prayer list with Cancer. Long frustrating days wondering...how did I get here? I want my party back! Can't we fix this with some duct tape or something? As the sun breaks through the clouds I remember it's there. Above. Just obscured by the January clouds. Just because I can't see Him doesn't mean He's not there. My view is small and limited. My heart can't always see His goodness. But I know it's true. I know He's there. He Promised and I believe Him.  I just need His help. " Lord, help my unbelief!" Mk 9:24