Trust Me!

I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately. All kinds of emotions have been stirred by our recent rescue dog adoption.  I had no idea bringing a dog home with some very special needs would propel my family into an amazing time of emotional revelation. Each one of us have been stirred by Chili's quiet voice. Observing her behavior as she learns to trust has provided some incredible conversations about what it feels like to become a family through adoption.
 Our dog was abandoned as a puppy with her siblings out in Pembroke. The little pack was enticed by food, captured and taken to  Sunrise Center Animal Rescue. They were kept in a horse stall for nearly 6 months as volunteers tried to socialize the dogs enough to be put on a leash and walked. As soon as they were able to safely be walked and touched without any signs of aggression, their bio's were put on Petfinder.com for adoption advertisement.  This is were I noticed one of Chili's siblings, and contacted the center to set up a meeting. I found out the sibling wasn't ready, but Chili was, so we met, and she seemed calm and easy going, but definitely shy. She easily followed me on the leash and let me pet her excessively...I loved this border collier/Australian cattle and shepherd mix immediately. The next day she came to our house with a volunteer and met the family. She was nervous, but she let everyone touch her and did not show any signs of aggression. We talked as a group about what she must be feeling coming into a new environment, not knowing if she could trust us. It didn't take long for the comparisons to be made about Josiah's homecoming. We talked about how he hid from us when he first met us, and how he had never been in a family, and how he cried every night in his bed for a very long time until he began to trust us.  I could see how the conversation stirred emotions in him he had not even thought of. He told us he didn't remember any of it.It was clear our scared dog was giving him a platform to see and feel those things now. He told us that He could "feel her thoughts"...and cried a lot the first 2 days she was with us.  We all felt it when Chili would cower and pee at our touch. The loss of what should have been a "normal" childhood.  Questions about how her past would form her future.  It stirred thoughts in me of reverence and awe of God and His good Sovereignty to put us together...so that now, somehow, by God's grace...we each had a new chance to love and be loved and grow into what He intended us to be.
     So often I find myself just looking at what is in front of me. My eyesight is so poor when it comes to the things of God. My imagination is so limited regarding where He is taking us.  My worries and concern over my ability to parent kids who will have to overcome great loss and learn to trust in God's provision for a family seem to paralyze me a times. There I am, shaking in my corner, not willing to trust The Hands that can do "immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine".I see how my fear holds back my ability to love.  My ability to enjoy.  I keep thinking how much I am like this dog...If she could just see how much we love her! If she would relax and just trust, her life could be so full! Can't she feel our desire to give her what she needs? It is so crazy how much this dog has taught us about our own relationships and what God has already done in our family! Looking in the rear view, I can see where we've been. I see God's protection and guidance to bring us into deeper trust and love with Him and each other.  If Chili and I could just learn to "come"...we could get the love and reassurance we both need! "Come to me all that are labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls" Mt. 11:28-29

Ready for War

Odd title for a devotion as we approach  Advent. It's because I'm feeling the impending push upon me. Pressure. Christmas Pressure.Lights are up.Tree is up. Shopping initiated. But my heart is not ready. I can't seem to push play on my Amy Grant Christmas CD. My girls make fun of me because I always play that CD while we put the tree up and decorate. It seems unfitting now, since the baby girls have left the nest. It's sad that they are not here making fun of me! There's some empty Christmas spots this year... Jordan will not be home until January. My grown nieces and nephews will not be home for Christmas. In my heart, I know that my celebration of Christ's birth can't be situational...I need to battle this sense of loss and move on to new joys, new memories and refreshed hope. I have small kids watching...needing me to teach them how wonderful this season is and why.
      John Piper would tell me to "Make War" on my sin. My sin of self-focus. Complacency. Sadness. Lack of Joy. Perhaps people would call it "seasonal depression".  I don't think I'm alone. My delayed and different Christmas is not "real" loss...so many people are spending Christmas with out loved ones because they are now with the LORD.  In my head I understand that it's good for kids to grow up and leave...but what's in my head and what I feel with my heart are two different things. So prayerfully today, I'm taking Dr. Piper's advice. And the Apostle Paul's :) I DECLARE WAR. I will not rest in sadness. I will fight against this sin of taking my eyes off the Gift and the Giver. Our enemy longs to see the children of God focusing on themselves instead of His goodness and His gracious gift in Jesus. " Be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places" Eph. 6:10-12. I will stand firm. In truth. In righteousness. In faith. In Salvation. In the Word. Wearing some warm winter boots on the feet that are ready to run and share the Gospel of Peace with anyone the LORD puts in front of me. Pray for me that I will speak it boldly as I should...to the praise of His glorious grace.

Radical Service

What does radical service look like? I suppose if you went from person to person..the answer would vary.  To someone who loves nature..it may look like living a completely green lifestyle...drastically following reuse, renew and recycle rules. To someone who loves animals, it might look like running a rescue mission for animals...to the point where you might have 14 dogs on your property..spending your time, energy and resources to get them into adoptive homes. To someone else, it might look like political involvement, where much time and energy is spent trying to push forward your political ideals. To another it may look like helping people in need, in various forms, like serving in adult literacy programs, the Peace Corp, United Way or Easter Seals.  Whatever it is, if you serve with all your energy, time and resources...that's radical right? What does radical service look like for someone who loves Jesus Christ?  All these good works in our community are important for us to participate in. But what makes it different for someone who professes Christ as their Lord and Master?
     After reading "Radical", I accepted the charge to "serve in another context" than you are used to. It could be a mission trip or some other form of Christian service. The  point was to get  uncomfortable. To expose yourself to something completely outside of your comfort zone( that looks way different for each of us). For me, serving in a food pantry was not a huge stretch. As a Home Health RN, I have served people in their homes regardless of their address, tax bracket or lack of actual flooring! But what was completely uncomfortable for me was bringing my boys with me to serve.  I had to really trust that the Lord would bless us with protection while we served along side some folks who had been in trouble with the law.  I had to trust that the boys  would be ok stocking shelves in the back while I was helping customers shop in the front.  I had to trust that if I let my kids do this,  the Lord would somehow use it to train them for a life of humble service instead of creating some sort of bias against the often unkind and ungrateful people we frequently encountered.  More importantly, I would have to trust that the Lord would break my heart for hurting people and love them the way He loves me...and that I would be able to translate that into an example my kids would want to follow.

     What I learned...God can be trusted with the children He has chosen to give me!....Never judge a book by it's cover...Always take time to touch someone and pray with them...Never be afraid to speak truth in love to those who need it...You can never smile too much...When someone wants to know if you have any "good" bread, they are looking for basic white!...And never hesitate to give a reason for the Hope you profess..you may never see that person again! 

      Radical service for Jesus is evolving for me. I wish I could say that I have daily denied myself, picked up my "method of execution" and followed Him faithfully and joyfully. Sometimes it looks like that.  And other times it looks like my scared rescue dog hiding in the corner. Be patient with me...He's not finished with me yet. "being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Radical Prayer

Pray for the entire world.  Pretty daunting task. David Platt asked the readers of " Radical" to commit to this. I have to be honest..I didn't really believe I could do it. I know my limitations. I am fantastic at immediate prayer. If you call me now...I will pray with you over the phone. I'll do it in person without hesitation as well.  I am pretty consistent in praying daily for my family, friends, church, and my missionary friends. I have been taking time in homeschooling to teach the boys how to pray. But a consistent, daily labor for the world...it just seemed too much. I tried by using the suggested source at www.operationworld.org    I received a daily email reminder listing a country and a link for information and prayer needs.  What I have learned through this experience has been very insightful. I am not as good at geography as I thought I was! And I went days without opening the emails because I chose to put other things first...sometimes out of necessity, sometimes out of laziness. And that's exactly what I thought would happen. But, the LORD always does something with our attempts at obedience, doesn't He?  I've been reminded in His word what Paul said to Timothy in his 1st letter..."First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior, who desires all people to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth"(2:1-4)ESV. In the Message, it says, " The first thing I want you to do is pray. Pray every way you know how, for everyone you know. Pray especially for rulers and their governments to rule well so we can be quietly about our business of living simply, in humble contemplation. This is the way our Savior God wants us to live. He wants not only us but everyone saved, you know, everyone to get to know the truth we've learned: that there's one God and only one, and one Priest-Mediator between God and us-Jesus, who offered himself in exchange for everyone held captive by sin, to set them all free".  When you pray for people, it gives you a heart for them you didn't have before. Perhaps the ability to see them the way God sees them, not  how CNN or Fox News sees them...but how God loves Iran, Pakistan and Swaziland... and wants them to know His truth. I prayed for countries I didn't even remember existed to come to the Truth and know His love!
As Samuel said in his prayer for Israel in the anointing of Saul(1Sm 12:23)..."far be it from me that I should sin against the LORD by ceasing to pray for you"...which was the priest's duty...and since we are "to be a holy priesthood offering spiritual sacrifices to the LORD" (1Pet.2:5)... it is also our duty. I never considered that  not praying could be a sin. I've always looked at it as my missed opportunity to meet with the LORD, but not a duty. Isn't apathy for the lost sinful?  As I walk into deeper relationship with Christ, He's showing me a delight in duty. Blessings that come from obedience are indeed sweet and rewarding. He's teaching me how to have His heart for the world. And now I can say in full confidence that now I know where Swaziland is ! 

Radical Perspective #1

It's been more than a year since some of my friends and I read the book "Radical:Taking Back Your Faith From the American Dream" by  David Platt . The book challenged readers to pray for the world, serve in a different capacity than you have in the past, go on a foreign mission trip, and read the Bible in one year.  The "Radical Bible Reading Girlfriends Club" was founded  in an effort to help spur each other on towards achieving some of the goals outlined in the book. I have been grateful for the peer pressure! The opportunity to read the Bible in a more disciplined way this year gave me eyes to see God's amazing plan of redemption with fresh eyes. I was completely reminded of His utter holiness and righteous demands. And how relentless His pursuit is for His beloved. Our ministry of reconciliation with the world should be that passionate! I am deeply convicted of my lack of mourning for the lost and my lack of zeal to be bold and courageous.  When I finished Revelation ...my heart nearly stopped as I imagined Faithful and True coming back on His white horse. The images painted are frightening and beautiful at the same time. When He said.."It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To him who is thirsty I will give to drink without cost from the spring of the water of life. He who overcomes will inherit all of this, and I will be His God and he will be my son. But the cowardly, the unbelieving, the vile, the murderers, the sexually immoral, those who practice magic arts, the idolaters and all liars-their place will be in the fiery lake of burning sulfur. This is the second death. (Rev. 20:6-8)....Wow.  What a picture! Oh that the LORD will give me courage and faith to endure and overcome until the end. I am constantly wrestling with God for more faith. I need more! Most days I feel like such an amateur. And after everything I've seen the LORD do! If I look back on the past year...remembering what my Bible reading friends and I have prayed for...how can I lack faith?

Race

While at football practice, a little boy came up to my son Jonah and said, "Jeeze...why am I seeing so many Chinese people around here lately?" Jonah responded, "I'm not Chinese, I'm Korean". The boy said, "That's not even a word. You're CHI-NEEZE...you need to learn your GEE-OGRAPHY!" Jonah replied, "Korean is a word, kid". The little boy did not give up. " I think I know more than you, since I'm a second grader".  Jonah decided, being a wise 5th grader, that he was not about to change the boy's mind, and walked away. The good news was... Jonah thought it was funny. But in reflection later, he asked me..."why is everyone calling me Chinese? Why do little kids keep calling me racist names like Yo Japanese or Jackie Chan?" I wish I had a good answer for him. Some of it, I suppose, is lack of exposure. Even though their football team has some ethnic diversity, they are indeed the only Koreans.  But my international children have international friends.Their exposure is wide and diverse due to their adoption.  My children have friends who are Ethiopian, Guatemalan, Hispanic, Chinese, Caucasian and African-American who are adopted. And I am so grateful to the Lord for bringing them into relationships where His love is being demonstrated through adoption. Love that does not discriminate.
Being a mixed race family brings us a lot of attention, often unwanted for my kids. I have been trying to teach them to respond in love; that it is a great opportunity to tell someone about being Korean,or about adoption and kindly educate them. What a great priveledge it is to share God's love with people who don't understand. How will kids ever know if they are not told by someone, in a loving way...that it's not okay to throw names and labels at people? And how will kids know what God's love is like if we don't demonstrate it to them?  I am convinced that the struggles my boys will have with this subject will provide many opportunities for them to be bold witnesses for Christ. And I am convinced there are days when we will not respond in love because we have been hurt. But I pray that God will remind us what Jesus said as He was being crucified..."Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing"Lk 23:34. I want my family to love like that! Full of grace and forgiveness for those who don't understand...just like we have been forgiven in Christ.

Enjoy!

I recently ate a great meal in Brown County, Indiana with my favorite person in the whole wide world. Doing things like that...leaving town, forgetting what is weighing you down, and just enjoying the moment is priceless and refreshing. But the moment I slip back into routine, my ability to relax and enjoy fades like the memories of the weekend. I know there are so many things right here to enjoy and celebrate, but I'm so short sighted I can't see it. I seem to have lost the habit of enjoying the journey. Of really seeing what's good around me and enjoying it. I decided today that I need more practice...one might call it the "spiritual discipline" of enjoying what I've been given by the Giver of all good things. I have become the one who is constantly holding people accountable. I am the Queen of accountability around here(some say evil queen, but not to my face). But in the process, I've lost my ability to enjoy any of it. It's all a list to be completed. Mark it off the list. Make a new list for tomorrow . And on and on until I realize days have gone by and I have not laughed. I have not really seen or heard anything that the Giver had intended for me to enjoy. I'm not really sure how to break the cycle. Would it be wrong to stop everything on my schedule? To just breathe deeply and open my eyes to everything around me today?  Would my family and friends understand if I just let it all go for awhile?  Would someone call the authorities?
     Right now I'm listening to my son and his guitar teacher play "Draw Me Close to You"...the words are reminding me slowly...."You're all I want. You're all I ever needed. You're all I want, Help me know You are near". And I really enjoyed it;) I guess step one in any recovery program is admitting you have a problem. Thank You Jesus for helping me enjoy something small today. Anyone know of a good 12 step program for the the seriously fun challenged?

Perspective

I had a dream last night that I couldn't speak...I couldn't tell someone something really important. I don't know what it was or who I was trying to tell. I just woke up thinking...what if I couldn't communicate? What if no one understood me? 

 I've been studying French again. There is a chance I will get to go to Paris next summer, and I want to be able to communicate! Maybe that's where the dream came from. Or maybe it's related to the rough week my son has been having. His expressive/receptive language disorder is so frustrating to all of us. There are times when he can't get sentences out in the right order, or ask the question He wants to. He has difficulty processing things that are being said. It's hard to explain, but he'll hear part of what you are saying, and bunny trail off..never connecting the second part of what was said. For example...I said, "That little boy doesn't have parents who will help him with his memory verses".  And He said, " He doesn't have parents?"  This goes on all day long. We spend lots of time rephrasing and repeating what we are talking about. And patience is one of the Fruit that is not fully developed in me!  My sweet friend said something yesterday that struck my heart..."where would he be if you hadn't brought him home? How would he have come this far? " All I could think about from that point forward was...where would I be if the LORD hadn't saved me?If He hadn't adopted ME?  My nature is to look at the hurdles. To stand in the distance from the GRACE that has been given me and say...it doesn't really look like we're going to make it. It doesn't seem like there's much hope for "normal" here.  Thankfully my sweet friend Danielle reminded me how important it is to have girlfriends who help you remember what is TRUE. God is not surprised at what is going on here. He is the One who ordained it. And since I can still talk and type...I will always be ready to give a reason for the Hope I have in Jesus. "We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Rom. 4:3-5). From my perspective, I cannot see it. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. 

 It's in my heart. Thank you LORD for reminding me.

Bad Attitude

I'm not ready for this to be over. Long days filled with sunshine and a  sense of responsibility to enjoy! Have fun! Play!
But the grey is starting to take over my days and the evening comes so quickly. Why can't we keep this season longer?!  I seriously want to put up a fight. I wore my sandals to church as a "sign of contempt" for the weather. I felt like I had some control.     My husband used to say ....."inappropriate dress is the first sign of mental illness"...well maybe so in my case. But it's so hard to let go!
Maybe it's because I'm a die hard sun junky...perhaps I've been dangerously low on vitamin D all these years and I just didn't know it.
Or maybe I just love wet bathing suits dripping on bathroom floors. NOT!  More than likely I like the sense of longer days, sunsets on the porch with my husband, and boys with tan necks and sandy feet, laughing and fighting all at the same time.  Memories of little girls with chubby bellies jumping into the pool. Blessings. God smiling down on me. Why is it easier for me to feel it on the sunny days? I'm challenging myself to feel that way when it's grey and wet. To look up in praise when it's dark and cold. I'm trying to get over my bad attitude and write in my gratitude journal again. To see things in a sunny way....But if you see me at church wearing flip flops...you'll know I'm not over it! Or my husband is right as usual and I've gone on permanent vacation in my mind!

Comfort

I've had some trouble sitting down to write this past week. My thoughts have been so heavy and dark I wasn't sure I wanted to share them with anyone. But the Spirit is prompting, so I'll be obedient.
The last few weeks I have felt an overwhelming attack on Hope. So many people I know have suffered significant losses. My prayers are full of requests for healing the sick, comfort for the grieving, restoration of marriages, provision for the unemployed, and encouragement for the weary. My sad prayers feel like long expirations...waiting to breath in Hope as prayers are answered. Whether He says... yes, no or wait...I'm holding onto God's character as I pray these things for my friends. "The Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort which we are ourselves are comforted by God" 2Cor.1:3-4. He has given us the ability to comfort others the way He comforts us. It's something I rarely think of...the power I have through the Spirit to help others heal. He promised that "neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Rom.8:38-39. But can I fully know and appreciate this Comfort during my trials? And can I comfort those with any affliction the way God does? I have felt the power when I have held a friend and prayed with them. But I feel so inadequate in my prayers lately. Maybe I do not "have" because I really don't believe it will turn out how I hope. Maybe I don't really ask for God's will to be done and not mine. Today I am praying for the Spirit's help to be more fervent and believing. Holding on to the promise " the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" Thank you LORD for reminding me that if You are for us, who can be against us? That " He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Rom. 8:31-32. To the praise of His glorious grace!

Bittersweet Legacies

     I've been thinking about something my Pastor said recently. He had been to his uncle's funeral and was feeling the blessings of his uncle's legacy of faith. The joy of knowing your loved one is with the Lord offers so much peace in times of loss. And the blessings of knowing someone who was fully committed to the LORD in such a way that your family wants to be like they were...it's priceless! Isn't that the goal of raising a family? Follow me as I follow Christ? It brings me to such sadness, though. Around me are so many broken families. So many families following everything but Christ.
      And then there are the thoughts of what was lost for my boys. A heritage abruptly changed by selfish choices, or perhaps those choices were unselfish life-giving ones?
      I held my great niece last night. Thinking about the heritage that her parents are laying out for her. I felt so hopeful as I watched her Dad give her the love and care that she needs. She has already lost so much. Can what is broken be fixed by love? Will kids with broken heritages always mourn for what is lost?
      LORD willing  I will spend my life trying to convince my children of their new Hope. Their heritage in the LORD....fellow heirs in Christ. Adopted into the family of faith through the blood of Jesus.  We all have a new identity in Christ..a new heritage that says...we are new creations...the old is gone, the new has come. Will they believe it? Will it shape their lives?
     I see it in my daughters. As adults being tested by the world, I see them hold on to the Hope of knowing who they are in the LORD and I am so grateful! And this morning I am praying that the God of All Hope will do that same work in my boys. Will you pray that for them as well? Perhaps for yourself?

MORE!

Husband..." I wish I had more to offer a girl like you" as he strapped on his gun belt, smiled, and adjusted his uniform...
Me....(currently sprawled out, face down in my new Pottery Barn sheets).."mmm-hmmm"
Husband..." Gotta go, luv ya"....followed by kisses and the breeze of him rushing off, leaving the smell of freshly shaven face behind.
Me...(still sprawled and semi-alert)...More? Ha! What more does a girl like me need? Or deserve? I lay in bed thinking about that statement. What more? Everyday he gets up to jog, meet with the LORD in the Bible and pray, and then he makes the coffee . And when the coffee comes to me...I'm generally face down, unaware of how blessed I am. He lays his head on me and prays. He encourages me to open both eyes and face the day with my vision centered at the Cross.  He knows how the day goes...how that vision will fade as the details of the day have their way with my spirit. But he is faithful, every day, to remind me to be aware of the Cross. To remember it, be grateful for it, and somehow try to live at the foot of it. What more does a girl like me need from her husband? More time. More of him. That's all a girl like me could ask from a guy like him.

Inconsolable Secret

There is something about beautiful things. Our eyes are drawn to them. Something in us wants to be a part of it...it brings out our need to worship something. The desire to feel adoration and love, excitement and fulfillment in something. It seems there is something missing that needs to be filled. But in reality, we can only look at it. We are "mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us:her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us"...(C.S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory)..."We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance". It reminds me of looking at the Grand Canyon..we feel a great sense of awe and wonder...but we can't be a part of it's magnificence. Lewis says, " But we pine. The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret". I feel that longing that cannot be filled. I have moments where the Spirit has given me a glimpse, but I can't sustain it. But He put it there! My constant desire to know and be known. "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end" Eccl. 3:11. If I didn't constantly feel like something was missing, would I seek Him? Would I look for His beauty, after I was done chasing after all the beautiful things that can be seen, but are temporary? Maybe not. Maybe I would just be satisfied to worship creation instead of the Creator? I can't wait for the day when "I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" 1Cor 13:12...to the praise of His glorious grace.

Gungor "You Have Me"

I've been listening to this album a lot lately. I enjoy the musicality of these guys, but more over the way they've ministered to my heart. This song reminds me no matter how poorly I perform, no matter how wavering my faith...He still has me! "And this is the will of Him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that he has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up on the last day" John 6:30-40. To the praise and glory of His Grace!

Weighty Matters

I have come a long way in "anxiety land" over homeschooling. But my journey isn't over yet. I thought I was farther along...until someone started asking my opinion about curriculum. I began owning that person's anxiety and insecurity of how to pick curriculum and do what's best for your child. I began to doubt myself (again).
     I had made these decisions in the spring...bringing the "Principal" along with me to the homeschooling conference to see some new options for our special learner, pick out some challenging things for our advanced but impatient learner, and to have someone else to blame if it all goes up in flames! So why did doubt and anxiety set in? Because I let it! I started to make it about me and not about Him! About my success, not whether He is glorified in the process.
      Why am I homeschooling my boys? It started out of need for the special learner to get one to one attention. That still has some heavy weight in why we are still at it. But in the process, the LORD has convinced me that the world doesn't decide who we are. He does. And now is the time to give them my full attention. The boys have been harassed in sports...being called racist things like "Jackie Chan" and "Yo Japanese". I can't stop the words that the world will fling at them. But I can give it everything I have to teach them who they are in Christ. I can teach them that in Christ they are more than conquerors and how to put on the full armour of God to stand against the enemy. I can teach them not to consider themselves more highly than they should, and not to repay evil...but to overcome evil with good. What a privilege and a weighty matter to equip your child to walk in the ways of God. Thankfully He promised to never leave me or forsake me. Thank you LORD!

It's in the Air

Today I smelled it. Felt it. Began my  lament of summer. It's on it's way out. I realize it can't last forever. But it brings some melancholy to my heart. I am a girl who loves the sun and all that comes with summer. There is a sense of freedom. Thoughts of adventure and fun to come. But with Fall...what's left? A return to routine. Perhaps some cool weather where we can run and play without being completely uncomfortable. But...you know it's on the way. The slumber of all green things and the hibernation, migration, and frustration of most living things. Where will it bring me this year? How will I remain hopeful and hope filled?
The butterfly is often a symbol of new life. Of hope. I have a tattoo related to 1Cor.5:17...If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation..the old has gone and the new has come.  But really the butterfly is the end of the life cycle. Metamorphosis complete. New, but then onto death.  My life cycle seems to be hitting that difficult middle age. Who I was doesn't really understand who I am now. I do see how God has "begun a good work in me and will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ"Phil 1:6. I enjoy knowing that He is faithful and is making all things new. Despite impending Winter, we have hope! Hope that is past economic difficulties, bad weather, and uncertain futures. We can know! Jesus said, " And this is the will of the Him who sent me, that I shall lose none of all that He has given me, but raise them up at the last day. For my Father's will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in Him shall have eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day" John 6:39-40. So I'm looking to the Son instead of the sun. And I am believing His promises this evening. To the glory and praise of the Father. Amen!

Weathered and Weak

I'm not sure what's really happened to me over the years. I used to do some really bold things. These days I find myself less likely to jump off or jump in. Is it age? Wisdom ?(not likely) Or just fear?
Back in my visiting nurse days, I did some crazy, risky things in the name of caring for people. I've walked into some of the roughest neighborhoods to love some of the least of these our area can find. I've stepped over people sleeping on floors, looking for which one was my patient. I've been escorted to my car by a patient with a shotgun and no pants on! (long story) I've faced the roughest of weather, been disrespected and ignored, and bitten by dogs! And I loved it! Home Health care professionals are some of the hardiest people I know (right up there with cops, firefighters and military folks).

So what has happened to me? How is it that a couple of special kids from Korea can have me shaking in my boots? Worried about the future, feeling insufficient? I confessed to my husband that I often wonder why God didn't make me "nicer"...if He expects me to love and care for a special needs child. Why wouldn't God match up my special child with someone who is kinder, nicer, and more patient? My husband told me I was being "egotistical and idolatrous", focusing on what I can do,  instead of what God can do. Well now, there's an honest answer!  Isn't that why I married him? "That's it...people are gonna hear about this one," I said. " I've got 5 followers and they're gonna hear about this!"  I hate it when he is right. God's power is perfected in my weakness....therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)

French Spaghetti and Angels

Mim makes French Spaghetti. No, there is not a recipe to follow. It's just for family, sick people, and possibly the occasional guest or grieving family. But  not for the general public. Sorry. Today she made it for the snaggle tooth. Something soft for Josiah to eat that wouldn't pull on that tooth.  While I was picking up our lovely dinner, Mim made commentary..."You must have a guardian angel around you at all times".  I think she was giving me a nod and a pity party all at the same time. Maybe just shootin the LORD some glory. I'm not sure. Spaghetti in van....we headed back to the "farm". We had some more school to do, laundry, and a whole bunch of tomatoes to "put up".

Confessions in Cleaning

I've been pretty excited about my list of accomplishments these days. I mean, canning pickles makes me feel almost "pioneer like". Did some tomatoes and salsa today.  Already froze beans and corn from our over zealous garden. All while doing a "summer schedule" of homeschooling, staying on top of my Bible reading plan, mothering the 4(some closely, some far away) and exercising 3-4 times per week.  I've been reading, going to the lake, and enjoying creation this summer as much as I can. I even made some jewelry. HA! Take that productivity!  But then I remembered...when was the last time I actually washed my kitchen floor? Arrrgggghhh. Really? We've certainly been busy. Some illnesses, some drama, some entertaining. Could I have really forgotten to wash my floor?

This is what the water looked like after completing 1/3 of the job. Staring at the repulsive bucket...I remembered something.  Oh Lord! I am  just like this kitchen floor! Walking in, you don't really notice it. You have to stay awhile and look more closely. The layers of dirt are there. Just being ignored. My times of self examination don't usually come while I'm "doing well". Usually just on days of "epic failure". Where I really understand just how dirty I am.  "Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." James 1:16

So why do we not practice this more? Surely we don't want to be judged. Labeled. Pitied? I have a small circle that know the dirty floor in me. How grateful I am to have girlfriends who boldly go to the throne of grace for me! And what would I do if He didn't always clean me up? "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will purify us from all unrighteousness. 1John 1:9. Thank you Jesus for making me clean. And yes, I confess to you all I did some bragging/behaved pridefully early in this post- But it was only to make my point;)

Ode to Grass(Jeff)

So last night I asked my husband...can I write you a nice "ode" for your birthday and put it on my blog?  The response, after a smirk, was..." wouldn't that just seal my public shame?"....shouldn't you just write some ode to grass or something? Really? Grass? Jonah, in a British lady's voice said,, "yes, it would be a lovely poem about how earthy smelling the grass is, as I put a lovely skirt on and dance around"..ha..ha..ha..Josiah then added..." what's an ode?". Argggghh. Heckling and disrespect. Fine. No romantic ode for you Mister. I went to bed, somewhat wounded. Around 3 am, I awoke to an irritated, slightly sarcastic nag in my dream state. An ode is generally a tribute to someone or something that is lyrical in nature, sometimes set to music. I could not get this out of my head...
There was a wiseguy from Manteno
Found himself suddenly single in Reno
Sitting day after day, sadly pining away
For the wife of his youth gone astray.
"If I'd only been kinder...I'd know where to find her"
His lament only spoke to the wind.

So the moral of this story is...I love my husband. Grateful for another year to be heckled for being a girl. So grateful for his protection, loving embraces, and the way he "washes me with the Word".  Happy Birthday Kool breeze. You're my favorite;)

Miracle Tooth

Silly title, not so silly subject. Seems  the snaggle tooth may be doomed.  My new expert says "he's only 11, anything can happen". Panic ensues instead of praise. Why did I automatically leap to worryangerguiltpanictearsconfusion? (it looked just like that!) Instead of hearing...anything can happen? Miracles do! And God loves to display His goodness in those good and perfect gifts. Why didn't I praise God that my new expert is going to talk to his team of experts and form a plan to walk us through the next 7 or 8 yrs of corrective surgery and orthodontia? I'm so grateful that I eventually got there! I can see today what I could not see yesterday. And if I wasn't so stinkin forgetful, I'd remember His faithfulness continuously. Could you all be faithful with me in praying for wisdom, healing, and the miracle tooth to make it?

In Pretty Deep

This social experiment has left me in over my head. I spend hours thinking ...perhaps panicking about what comes next. The "what-ifs" can be maddening at times. What if no one turns out "normal"??? What if at the end of it all, no one rises up and calls me blessed? What if one of them ends up being that sniper on top of some building?......What if God chooses to make me do it alone? I know it's sinful to be anxious, ungrateful and so forgetful of God's promises.
Today I'm praying I will really know, in my heart, with my mind, and all my being, that His grace is enough. His power is made perfect in my weakness. And that power lives in me to work things out for my good and His glory.