Perspective

I had a dream last night that I couldn't speak...I couldn't tell someone something really important. I don't know what it was or who I was trying to tell. I just woke up thinking...what if I couldn't communicate? What if no one understood me? 

 I've been studying French again. There is a chance I will get to go to Paris next summer, and I want to be able to communicate! Maybe that's where the dream came from. Or maybe it's related to the rough week my son has been having. His expressive/receptive language disorder is so frustrating to all of us. There are times when he can't get sentences out in the right order, or ask the question He wants to. He has difficulty processing things that are being said. It's hard to explain, but he'll hear part of what you are saying, and bunny trail off..never connecting the second part of what was said. For example...I said, "That little boy doesn't have parents who will help him with his memory verses".  And He said, " He doesn't have parents?"  This goes on all day long. We spend lots of time rephrasing and repeating what we are talking about. And patience is one of the Fruit that is not fully developed in me!  My sweet friend said something yesterday that struck my heart..."where would he be if you hadn't brought him home? How would he have come this far? " All I could think about from that point forward was...where would I be if the LORD hadn't saved me?If He hadn't adopted ME?  My nature is to look at the hurdles. To stand in the distance from the GRACE that has been given me and say...it doesn't really look like we're going to make it. It doesn't seem like there's much hope for "normal" here.  Thankfully my sweet friend Danielle reminded me how important it is to have girlfriends who help you remember what is TRUE. God is not surprised at what is going on here. He is the One who ordained it. And since I can still talk and type...I will always be ready to give a reason for the Hope I have in Jesus. "We know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us" (Rom. 4:3-5). From my perspective, I cannot see it. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. 

 It's in my heart. Thank you LORD for reminding me.

Bad Attitude

I'm not ready for this to be over. Long days filled with sunshine and a  sense of responsibility to enjoy! Have fun! Play!
But the grey is starting to take over my days and the evening comes so quickly. Why can't we keep this season longer?!  I seriously want to put up a fight. I wore my sandals to church as a "sign of contempt" for the weather. I felt like I had some control.     My husband used to say ....."inappropriate dress is the first sign of mental illness"...well maybe so in my case. But it's so hard to let go!
Maybe it's because I'm a die hard sun junky...perhaps I've been dangerously low on vitamin D all these years and I just didn't know it.
Or maybe I just love wet bathing suits dripping on bathroom floors. NOT!  More than likely I like the sense of longer days, sunsets on the porch with my husband, and boys with tan necks and sandy feet, laughing and fighting all at the same time.  Memories of little girls with chubby bellies jumping into the pool. Blessings. God smiling down on me. Why is it easier for me to feel it on the sunny days? I'm challenging myself to feel that way when it's grey and wet. To look up in praise when it's dark and cold. I'm trying to get over my bad attitude and write in my gratitude journal again. To see things in a sunny way....But if you see me at church wearing flip flops...you'll know I'm not over it! Or my husband is right as usual and I've gone on permanent vacation in my mind!

Comfort

I've had some trouble sitting down to write this past week. My thoughts have been so heavy and dark I wasn't sure I wanted to share them with anyone. But the Spirit is prompting, so I'll be obedient.
The last few weeks I have felt an overwhelming attack on Hope. So many people I know have suffered significant losses. My prayers are full of requests for healing the sick, comfort for the grieving, restoration of marriages, provision for the unemployed, and encouragement for the weary. My sad prayers feel like long expirations...waiting to breath in Hope as prayers are answered. Whether He says... yes, no or wait...I'm holding onto God's character as I pray these things for my friends. "The Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort which we are ourselves are comforted by God" 2Cor.1:3-4. He has given us the ability to comfort others the way He comforts us. It's something I rarely think of...the power I have through the Spirit to help others heal. He promised that "neither life nor death, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" Rom.8:38-39. But can I fully know and appreciate this Comfort during my trials? And can I comfort those with any affliction the way God does? I have felt the power when I have held a friend and prayed with them. But I feel so inadequate in my prayers lately. Maybe I do not "have" because I really don't believe it will turn out how I hope. Maybe I don't really ask for God's will to be done and not mine. Today I am praying for the Spirit's help to be more fervent and believing. Holding on to the promise " the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And He who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will" Thank you LORD for reminding me that if You are for us, who can be against us? That " He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all- how will he not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things? Rom. 8:31-32. To the praise of His glorious grace!

Bittersweet Legacies

     I've been thinking about something my Pastor said recently. He had been to his uncle's funeral and was feeling the blessings of his uncle's legacy of faith. The joy of knowing your loved one is with the Lord offers so much peace in times of loss. And the blessings of knowing someone who was fully committed to the LORD in such a way that your family wants to be like they were...it's priceless! Isn't that the goal of raising a family? Follow me as I follow Christ? It brings me to such sadness, though. Around me are so many broken families. So many families following everything but Christ.
      And then there are the thoughts of what was lost for my boys. A heritage abruptly changed by selfish choices, or perhaps those choices were unselfish life-giving ones?
      I held my great niece last night. Thinking about the heritage that her parents are laying out for her. I felt so hopeful as I watched her Dad give her the love and care that she needs. She has already lost so much. Can what is broken be fixed by love? Will kids with broken heritages always mourn for what is lost?
      LORD willing  I will spend my life trying to convince my children of their new Hope. Their heritage in the LORD....fellow heirs in Christ. Adopted into the family of faith through the blood of Jesus.  We all have a new identity in Christ..a new heritage that says...we are new creations...the old is gone, the new has come. Will they believe it? Will it shape their lives?
     I see it in my daughters. As adults being tested by the world, I see them hold on to the Hope of knowing who they are in the LORD and I am so grateful! And this morning I am praying that the God of All Hope will do that same work in my boys. Will you pray that for them as well? Perhaps for yourself?

MORE!

Husband..." I wish I had more to offer a girl like you" as he strapped on his gun belt, smiled, and adjusted his uniform...
Me....(currently sprawled out, face down in my new Pottery Barn sheets).."mmm-hmmm"
Husband..." Gotta go, luv ya"....followed by kisses and the breeze of him rushing off, leaving the smell of freshly shaven face behind.
Me...(still sprawled and semi-alert)...More? Ha! What more does a girl like me need? Or deserve? I lay in bed thinking about that statement. What more? Everyday he gets up to jog, meet with the LORD in the Bible and pray, and then he makes the coffee . And when the coffee comes to me...I'm generally face down, unaware of how blessed I am. He lays his head on me and prays. He encourages me to open both eyes and face the day with my vision centered at the Cross.  He knows how the day goes...how that vision will fade as the details of the day have their way with my spirit. But he is faithful, every day, to remind me to be aware of the Cross. To remember it, be grateful for it, and somehow try to live at the foot of it. What more does a girl like me need from her husband? More time. More of him. That's all a girl like me could ask from a guy like him.

Inconsolable Secret

There is something about beautiful things. Our eyes are drawn to them. Something in us wants to be a part of it...it brings out our need to worship something. The desire to feel adoration and love, excitement and fulfillment in something. It seems there is something missing that needs to be filled. But in reality, we can only look at it. We are "mere spectators. Beauty has smiled, but not to welcome us:her face was turned in our direction, but not to see us"...(C.S. Lewis from The Weight of Glory)..."We have not been accepted, welcomed, or taken into the dance". It reminds me of looking at the Grand Canyon..we feel a great sense of awe and wonder...but we can't be a part of it's magnificence. Lewis says, " But we pine. The sense that in this universe we are treated as strangers, the longing to be acknowledged, to meet with some response, to bridge some chasm that yawns between us and reality, is part of our inconsolable secret". I feel that longing that cannot be filled. I have moments where the Spirit has given me a glimpse, but I can't sustain it. But He put it there! My constant desire to know and be known. "He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end" Eccl. 3:11. If I didn't constantly feel like something was missing, would I seek Him? Would I look for His beauty, after I was done chasing after all the beautiful things that can be seen, but are temporary? Maybe not. Maybe I would just be satisfied to worship creation instead of the Creator? I can't wait for the day when "I shall know fully, even as I am fully known" 1Cor 13:12...to the praise of His glorious grace.