Finding

Fall always seems a little melancholy for me. The end of the growing season. An end to the days seemingly filled with endless daylight and warmth. I confess I will miss the feeling of burnt skin. I know it's wrong. Just sayin' I do love it. In part it feels like a death or maybe just a very deep sleep of nature. I usually struggle with some depression during the very cold, dark winter months. The cold nights we've had are ushering in feelings of anxiety towards what happens to my emotional state every Winter. Maybe the other part is not feeling really alive. No grass between your toes. No tomatoes on the vine. No sound of loud boys outside discovering something really gross to play with or do "experiments" on. I won't be finding a large bumble bee or spider in my freezer anytime soon. Not being able to engage in Creation because it's frozen solid. It feels like abandonment....like being left very alone.
     I went to the True Woman 2012 conference with my Mim and my Jenna last week. What a great way to really share your soul with your girlies. We had many wrestling moments with God. Most of it happened outside the conference center. We enjoyed walking the streets of downtown Indy. We decided that it was safer to cross an intersection in Chicago...they just seem get pedestrians better! We sat in wonder of people. So many beautiful women in different shapes, sizes and skin tones. We laughed so hard when a man on the corner spoke to my mother saying..." Dang girl, you got your hair stacked up real good!"  I mean it rained hard and it was stacked up real good...how can you deny that compliment!  We felt our humanity and it's pain.We wept openly after meeting Billy on the corner with his head nearly in his lap. Sandwich in hand, not nearly sober enough to eat it. The light in his eyes told me he heard what I was saying about Victory in Jesus...but He seemed so alone. Forgotten and a little asleep... like a deep, dark, cold winter's night.
     I spent most of  searching the Word for a Word to encourage me. I prayed fervently for friends with cancer, ministries reaching out to people never hearing or understanding, and of course,  my family. God gave me Jeremiah 29:13....You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back from captivity. Maybe that's what my "winter feeling" is about. The veil of grey sets in and we have to look harder. With our whole hearts. Finding God in our seasons of deadness....it's just harder. It requires more effort. He promised He would help us, and free us from captivity. Captivity of sin and selfishness and utter inability to help ourselves. Never leaving. Never forsaking. Until the very end of the Age.When all seems like it's fading...turn towards the Light. He promised He would be found by us. And I believe Him. Even when my hands and feet are really cold.