Living Worship

I noticed something about myself recently. Something that grieves me. My worship has been a little lifeless lately.  Ok, maybe even dead at times.
     Most Sunday mornings I drag myself into the pew...feeling like I've been run over by my morning.  Giant mugs of coffee cannot overcome my exhaustion just trying to get the kids out the door. Arguing about combing hair and putting on a good shirt. Bickering over who did what to whom....it deadens me. Sucks the Jesus Juice right out of my veins.  And as the worship band starts up, I feel myself tightly holding it all in. I search for words in the songs and hymns that will stir my heart.  It's like trying to pry something contraband out of a small child's hand.  Holding on to the anxiety, strife and struggles.  I'm aware of my resistance. The barren places inside, the dark chasms of my unattractive soul...they want to stay in the darkness. To camp out in the angst instead of baring them and walking out into love, into His marvelous light. Who wants to stay there? Why would some one who has "tasted the Lord" and seen that He is good....ever want to hang out in that horrible black hole?
     I've been meditating on worship, trying to see what God would have me do in this dry, circling desert I've led myself into, again.  He says...Therefore brothers, by the mercies of God, present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. (Rm 12:1). The whole body. Not just my head or my heart, but the whole kit and caboodle. And in His mercy, He sent me messages through some lovely people this past week to remind me how. ...  A long time friend reminded me how grateful she was that I didn't stop pursuing her with God's love....  A little girl with limited use of her arms and hands showed me how to use all one's strength to worship and make a joyful noise to the Lord despite great physical disability....  An old man's laugh warmed my heart as he watched children sing with unashamed joy for the Lord.....  Believers, young and old coming together to discover what God has to teach them in His word and pray together brought meaning to a lull in the week ... Seeing God work in my family as I never have before pierced my heart with gratitude.
     I often wonder how many other worshipers are out there on Sunday...tightly clenching, not letting God into the broken places? Ask Him to shine His light into those dark places. He'll show off His love for you. His sense of humor. His truth. His faithfulness....that He is a God that you can trust with all of you, even the broken spots.