Weathered and Weak

I'm not sure what's really happened to me over the years. I used to do some really bold things. These days I find myself less likely to jump off or jump in. Is it age? Wisdom ?(not likely) Or just fear?
Back in my visiting nurse days, I did some crazy, risky things in the name of caring for people. I've walked into some of the roughest neighborhoods to love some of the least of these our area can find. I've stepped over people sleeping on floors, looking for which one was my patient. I've been escorted to my car by a patient with a shotgun and no pants on! (long story) I've faced the roughest of weather, been disrespected and ignored, and bitten by dogs! And I loved it! Home Health care professionals are some of the hardiest people I know (right up there with cops, firefighters and military folks).

So what has happened to me? How is it that a couple of special kids from Korea can have me shaking in my boots? Worried about the future, feeling insufficient? I confessed to my husband that I often wonder why God didn't make me "nicer"...if He expects me to love and care for a special needs child. Why wouldn't God match up my special child with someone who is kinder, nicer, and more patient? My husband told me I was being "egotistical and idolatrous", focusing on what I can do,  instead of what God can do. Well now, there's an honest answer!  Isn't that why I married him? "That's it...people are gonna hear about this one," I said. " I've got 5 followers and they're gonna hear about this!"  I hate it when he is right. God's power is perfected in my weakness....therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Cor 12:9-10)