Hush It's Ok

Well now- there has been a silence.

There have been many thoughts- many too strong to publish- though easy enough to write and subsequently erase. Who needs to hear the gut wrenching story that most would agree is just too hard to hear? What reaction am I looking for if I say all the things I want to? These questions silenced me for the last 10 months. Who can bear watching a broken child find resolve and reclaim a life for themselves?  If I could remove caring about the death of a child's identity it would certainly make it easier to navigate. And how do you endure feelings about your own worth as a parent when you are rejected around every corner?  

It lives in the background of every conversation. Every meal shared. Every future plan made. It's just broken and there is no way around it. The future is unknown and uncertain. In the culture of foster care...all we can count on is stressing about the next court date while enduring multiple home visitations from well meaning strangers. All the kids...biological, adopted, and fostered are continually sensing the underlying unrest. Each wondering "what's my place in this really jacked up ecosystem created by someone else's failures and controlled by the judicial system?" We haven't figured this out at all. Some days are good. Laughing, working, and feeling like we found some surreal normal. Other days are filled with sharp words and red faces. Lots of sighing, crying and learning to die to self. Certainly we know that God has ordained our steps here. We hope and pray that He gives us strength and courage to get up in the morning and attempt impossible love. I miss the days when I worried how 2 little blondes were going to turn out. I miss the days of frustrating pajama school with my boys. And I fear that someday in the near future I will miss the stubborn little redhead that changed our world for a season.